A few weeks ago...

I went to the Brick Lane Jazz Festival in London with my girlfriend.

Musicians had flown in from all over the world.

Playing in different pockets around London.

The first venue was alive.

People were rocking. Swinging. High-fiving strangers. Smiling.

Everyone looked like they had been given something.

But my body didn’t move.

Neither did my partner's.

We stood there watching everyone else feel something we couldn’t find.

The music was clearly working.

Just not on us.

We stayed for the whole set.

Then walked a few blocks to the next artist.

This room was dimly lit.

Underground.

Cave-like.

The kind of place that makes you feel cooler just by standing in it.

The atmosphere was perfect.

Then the artist came on.

And again…

Nothing.

Everyone around us was vibing.

Hands in the air.

Heads nodding.

Bodies catching rhythms mine couldn’t hear.

And there we were.

Still. Flat. Unmoved.

At this point, I started asking myself the dangerous question:

“Is there something wrong with us?”

What were we missing?

Why was everyone else enjoying this, but us?

Then we went to the last performance.

A drummer from Cuba.

He came out wearing a loud shirt that Picasso may have designed.

Big black goggles for glasses.

And then he started.

And something in me caught fire.

Instantly.

My body woke up before my mind could explain it.

I grabbed my phone to Shazam the song.

I started taking videos to send to my family.

My girlfriend and I found a little side table to stand near.

Then dance near.

Then basically dance on.

And as I moved, this huge wave of relief washed through me.

I finally got the message.

I wasn’t weird.

I just hadn’t found my jam yet.

That moment has stayed with me for weeks.

Because there’s something beautiful in it.

Everyone has a rhythm that reaches them.

Everyone has a room where they suddenly make sense.

Everyone has people, places, sounds, and experiences that light something up inside them.

But you don’t always find them straight away.

Sometimes you have to stand in the wrong room first.

Sometimes you have to feel out of place.

Sometimes you have to watch everyone else dance while you wonder why your feet feel glued to the floor.

And the lesson is not to attack yourself while that’s happening.

The lesson is to observe.

To notice the thought that says, “What’s wrong with me?”

And not believe it.

To notice the feeling of being the odd one out.

And not turn it into a verdict on your life.

When I was younger, I felt this all the time.

I’d go to school parties and watch everyone else look like they were having the best night of their lives.

I was painfully shy.

So I’d leave.

I’d slip out quietly and walk by myself for hours until the party was over.

And the whole time, I’d beat myself up.

“What is wrong with you?”

“Why can’t you just be normal?”

“Why can’t you enjoy what everyone else enjoys?”

But maybe nothing was wrong with me.

Maybe I just hadn’t found my room yet.

Maybe I just hadn’t found my rhythm.

Maybe I just hadn’t found the people and places that made my nervous system say:

“Yes. Here. This.”

As we go through life, we’re going to meet people we don’t connect with.

That’s okay.

We’re going to have experiences that other people love that do nothing for us.

That’s okay.

We’re going to stand in rooms where everyone seems moved except us.

That’s okay too.

You don’t have to force a feeling.

You don’t have to fake a connection.

You don’t have to make every room your room.

Just don’t punish yourself while you’re searching.

Be the observer.

Let the thoughts pass through.

Keep exploring.

Keep tiptoeing into the unknown.

Keep trying rooms.

Keep listening.

Keep following the tiny sparks.

Because eventually, something will hit.

A person.

A place.

A sound.

A moment.

A rhythm.

And when it does, you won’t need to convince yourself.

You’ll know.

Your body will know.

You’ll feel the fire inside of you.

Chase those feelings.

And you’ll realise you were never broken.

You were just still looking for your jam.

Have a great week ahead

Kia Kaha & Love

Chris Xx